A Word About Being Strong

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only cancer patient that's been told a million times over to "be strong" or to "stay positive" when they're given a favorable prognosis. It's great. It's great that I get to hear it because it means that there's a really good chance that I'm going to come out of this alive, and as a nurse myself who deals with cancer patients on a regular basis, it gives me the opportunity to actually be able to empathize with them as they share their feelings with me.

It's also great for the people that get to say it to me. It gives them something "nice" to say to me, allowing them to convey that they love me, and that they care for me and that they hope that my "90% chance of lifetime remission" is true.

The other day, I received a card in the mail from a friend of my mother. In it she wrote; "cry if you must to feel better..."  and THAT was the first time anyone gave me permission to cry. To feel a little bit of pity for myself, to mourn the health I knew. It was a good cry too, dammit!

Crying that day (and again now as I type this), is cathartic. It allows me to get rid of the doubt that I hide sometimes when I talk about how positive my doctor is when she talks about my chemotherapy is working, or when I have to smile when someone else tells me to "stay positive" when I'm really not feeling positive that day at all.

I've been told by a few different people; "not to think that way", and "now, don't go putting that negative energy out there" when I've attempted to talk about my feelings toward having cancer or how I now have to live my life dealing with it. Those are all parts of what I'm going through and I have to deal with it everyday. I wake up every morning and am reminded that I don't get to go to work because it's too dangerous for me to be around sick people with my compromised immune system. My life is on hold and I'm not as financially stable as I was 2 months ago. It plays a little bit with my emotions every day, so please just let me be real about it. It's not going to change my complete outlook on me beating cancer.

Crying, or "being real" about it, or writing a post such as this one, doesn't make me any less strong. I'm human, and I'm allowed to breakdown every once in a while.  I will beat this disease that's in me, because I am strong and because I am staying positive. But I just wanted to say THANK YOU to Bonnie, for giving me permission to cry if I need to, and for letting me know it's alright too, because acknowledging the bad and ugly, and letting it go is one of the best ways to stay strong and positive!