I'm pretty sure I'm not the only cancer patient that's been told a million times over to "be strong" or to "stay positive" when they're given a favorable prognosis. It's great. It's great that I get to hear it because it means that there's a really good chance that I'm going to come out of this alive, and as a nurse myself who deals with cancer patients on a regular basis, it gives me the opportunity to actually be able to empathize with them as they share their feelings with me.
It's also great for the people that get to say it to me. It gives them something "nice" to say to me, allowing them to convey that they love me, and that they care for me and that they hope that my "90% chance of lifetime remission" is true.
The other day, I received a card in the mail from a friend of my mother. In it she wrote; "cry if you must to feel better..." and THAT was the first time anyone gave me permission to cry. To feel a little bit of pity for myself, to mourn the health I knew. It was a good cry too, dammit!
Crying that day (and again now as I type this), is cathartic. It allows me to get rid of the doubt that I hide sometimes when I talk about how positive my doctor is when she talks about my chemotherapy is working, or when I have to smile when someone else tells me to "stay positive" when I'm really not feeling positive that day at all.
I've been told by a few different people; "not to think that way", and "now, don't go putting that negative energy out there" when I've attempted to talk about my feelings toward having cancer or how I now have to live my life dealing with it. Those are all parts of what I'm going through and I have to deal with it everyday. I wake up every morning and am reminded that I don't get to go to work because it's too dangerous for me to be around sick people with my compromised immune system. My life is on hold and I'm not as financially stable as I was 2 months ago. It plays a little bit with my emotions every day, so please just let me be real about it. It's not going to change my complete outlook on me beating cancer.
Crying, or "being real" about it, or writing a post such as this one, doesn't make me any less strong. I'm human, and I'm allowed to breakdown every once in a while. I will beat this disease that's in me, because I am strong and because I am staying positive. But I just wanted to say THANK YOU to Bonnie, for giving me permission to cry if I need to, and for letting me know it's alright too, because acknowledging the bad and ugly, and letting it go is one of the best ways to stay strong and positive!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
MY Cancer
I figured it might be a good idea to do a post about my specific type of cancer, as there are so many different types of lymphomas that anyone doing a search for blogs, may or may not be interested in my blog specifically because of the type I have/don't have.
As mentioned in the subtopic of TOSOTN, I was diagnosed with a T-cell Large Cell Lymphoma. More specifically, it's a non-Hodgkin's anaplastic large cell lymphoma (ALCL). The original diagnosis states: "findings are those of focal lymph node involvement by peripheral T cell lymphoma, anaplastic large cell lymphoma, CD30 positive, ALK1 positive subtype."
ALCL represents approximately only 5% of non Hodgkin's lymphomas in adults, and only approximately 60% of those are ALK+!!
Suffice it to say, of all cancer cases, there's only about 1.5 people out of 100 that are diagnosed with my specific type of cancer!!
According to one site I found, ALK+ ALCL presents as an aggressive disease with systemic signs, and extra nodal sites in the bone marrow (the bone marrow biopsy is a topic I could write a whole post on all on it's own!), skin, bone, soft tissues, and organs. Luckily, according to all the diagnostic tests I've had since my cancer diagnosis, I'm free of extra nodal sites!
ALK+ ALCL also has a far better prognosis then ALK negative ALCL.
My treatment consists of five different medications specifically targeted to treat my lymphoma. The combination of medications is usually referred to as CHOP chemo, a combination of chemotherapeutics and antineoplastic medications often used to treat many cancers; my doctor has also added etopocide due to some research that she had read and went over with me prior to beginning treatment.
The letters that make up the word CHOP, each stand for a specific medication; C: Cyclophosphamide; H: Doxorubicin (I have no idea where the "H" comes from!); O:Vincristine (aka: Oncovin); P: Prednisone. With the addition of the Etopocide, my chemotherapy is being called CHOEP!
The addition of Etopocide was a decision made by my oncologist and myself after she reviewed with me an article in the Blood Journal. The article indicates that the addition of etopocide can increase the chances of LIFETIME remission from my specific type of cancer, to almost 90%!!
All in all, I feel pretty good (as good as I guess anyone can feel about their cancer) about my specific diagnosis. I feel great about the fight ahead of me to beat my cancer, and really love all the people in my life that are helping me and supporting me every step of the way.
As mentioned in the subtopic of TOSOTN, I was diagnosed with a T-cell Large Cell Lymphoma. More specifically, it's a non-Hodgkin's anaplastic large cell lymphoma (ALCL). The original diagnosis states: "findings are those of focal lymph node involvement by peripheral T cell lymphoma, anaplastic large cell lymphoma, CD30 positive, ALK1 positive subtype."
ALCL represents approximately only 5% of non Hodgkin's lymphomas in adults, and only approximately 60% of those are ALK+!!
Suffice it to say, of all cancer cases, there's only about 1.5 people out of 100 that are diagnosed with my specific type of cancer!!
According to one site I found, ALK+ ALCL presents as an aggressive disease with systemic signs, and extra nodal sites in the bone marrow (the bone marrow biopsy is a topic I could write a whole post on all on it's own!), skin, bone, soft tissues, and organs. Luckily, according to all the diagnostic tests I've had since my cancer diagnosis, I'm free of extra nodal sites!
ALK+ ALCL also has a far better prognosis then ALK negative ALCL.
My treatment consists of five different medications specifically targeted to treat my lymphoma. The combination of medications is usually referred to as CHOP chemo, a combination of chemotherapeutics and antineoplastic medications often used to treat many cancers; my doctor has also added etopocide due to some research that she had read and went over with me prior to beginning treatment.
The letters that make up the word CHOP, each stand for a specific medication; C: Cyclophosphamide; H: Doxorubicin (I have no idea where the "H" comes from!); O:Vincristine (aka: Oncovin); P: Prednisone. With the addition of the Etopocide, my chemotherapy is being called CHOEP!
The addition of Etopocide was a decision made by my oncologist and myself after she reviewed with me an article in the Blood Journal. The article indicates that the addition of etopocide can increase the chances of LIFETIME remission from my specific type of cancer, to almost 90%!!
All in all, I feel pretty good (as good as I guess anyone can feel about their cancer) about my specific diagnosis. I feel great about the fight ahead of me to beat my cancer, and really love all the people in my life that are helping me and supporting me every step of the way.
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